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Tuesday Mar 28 2017

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

It’s been a rough few days for President Trump, and this week it came out that his job approval rating is at just 36 percent. Trump was confused. He said, “How can you disapprove of a job I’m not even doing? Fake poll.”

Trump’s approval rating is at just 36 percent, which is even lower than Obama’s ever was. The only time Obama came close to that was when he had that meeting with Trump.

Trump’s approval rating is worse than Obama’s lowest, and worse than Bill Clinton’s lowest. After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern.

Trump is now polling lower than a lot of things. For example, he’s less popular than sitting on a warm subway seat. He’s less popular than vague texts that say, “Do you have time to talk later, it’s important.” He’s less popular than biting into a cookie and realizing that the chocolate chip is a raisin. He’s less popular than YouTube ads that you can’t skip after five seconds. He’s less popular than wet doorknobs. You know what I’m saying? Finally, Trump is even polling lower than people who pronounce Chipotle as “chipolte.”

Conan

Ivanka Trump revealed that she is planning to take a coding class this summer with her 5-year-old daughter. Then, this fall, the 5-year-old will begin working at the White House.

President Trump has turned down a chance to throw out the first pitch on opening day for the Washington Nationals. However, Trump said he’ll reconsider if he can also throw out all the players from other countries.

After causing a huge controversy, United Airlines now says it will allow any paying passenger to wear leggings. So good news, my dad can fly out for Easter after all.

Apple is reportedly considering a device to put in women’s bodies that tracks their menstrual cycles. It’s part of Apple’s new slogan, “Think Creepy.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today, coal miners attended a ceremony where President Trump signed an executive order undoing most of Barack Obama’s climate change initiatives. The miners said they were really impressed with Trump. They said that in just two months, he’d dug himself into the biggest hole they’ve ever seen. And they literally work in holes.

Meanwhile the investigation into Trump’s Russian ties is getting really crazy. Democrats are calling for Devin Nunes, the head of the intelligence committee, to step down because he took a secret meeting at the White House. Nunes wouldn’t reveal who he met with at the White House. But it’s safe to say it’s not Donald Trump, because Trump’s never there.

If Nunes took a meeting at a golf course, then I’d be worried.

A 20-year-old woman in St. Louis has been banned from Tinder after making hundreds of dollars because her profile said “send me $5 and see what happens.” And here’s the thing, guys were just giving her $5. Usually, the only thing people give each other on Tinder is crabs.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Democrats have called for the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee to recuse himself from the investigation into Russia’s election-related hacking over concerns that he is too close to President Trump to be impartial. They want Congress to appoint someone less close to Trump, like Melania.

President Trump’s son-in-law and adviser Jared Kushner reportedly met with executives from a Russian bank that was under U.S. sanctions during the 2016 presidential election. But I’m sure there’s a perfectly treasonable explanation.

The White House said today that President Trump has turned down an offer to throw out the first pitch on opening day for the Washington Nationals. But they said he would be happy to throw out some of the Nationals. [shows photo of Hispanic team members] “You go. You go. You stay.” He doesn’t want to throw out a first pitch. The baseball would look like a big ol’ bowling ball in his hand.

Ford announced today it will create 130 new jobs in Michigan. “Is one of them president?” asked Hillary.

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